Disrespectful NBA Draft Comparisons 2021
Tonight, 60 young basketball players will see their dreams fulfilled and make it to the National Basketball Association. That means there’s no better time for the 2021 Disrespectful Draft Comparisons, completely tossing out the prospects’ unique traits (jokingly) to compare them to guys that’ve already played, good and bad. Sit back and enjoy.
Today’s the day. The NBA Draft. Sixty young men will embark on the journey of a lifetime and reach the pearly pinnacle of their profession — the NBA. It’s only right, then, that we continue a yearly tradition of undermining the incredible work these dudes have put in by haphazardly comparing them to other professionals. And yet — in every jest is a grain of truth, so please come join me and my conspirator Oscar (@OscarrNBA) for the 2021 edition of the annual DISRESPECTFUL DRAFT COMPS. We’re ignoring the top end of the draft, since it is very unlikely they drop to where New York picks, but everyone else was fair game to get roasted and toasted. Without further ado:
Sharife Cooper
High end outcome: Baron Davis with Steve Nash hops, but also Steve Nash vision
Median outcome: Trae Young with HGH but no jumper
Low end outcome: Kay Felder with a WNBA sister
Tre Mann
High end outcome: ‘21 playoffs Reggie Jackson
Median outcome: Featherweight Alec Burks
Low end outcome: Florida Man Austin Rivers
Cam Thomas
High end outcome: BallDontStop hall of famer
Median outcome: RSCI Gawd John Salmons
Low end outcome: Mixtape Marcus Thornton
Jaden Springer
High end outcome: Travel Size Iguodala
Median outcome: Black White Donte
Low end outcome: Pelicans Eric Bledsoe (other idea: “I dont wanna be here” tweet Eric Bledsoe)
Jared Butler
High end outcome: Brandon Knight/Brevin Knight fusion
Median outcome: If Jose Calderon grew up with BallIsLife Mixtapes
Low end outcome: Knicks Beno Udrih
Miles “Deuce” McBride
High end outcome: Tokyo Olympics FIBA Frank
Median outcome: Marcus Smart without irrational confidence
Low end outcome: Jevon Carter with cool hair
James Bouknight
High end outcome: Delta Variant Zach LaVine
Median outcome: Josh Richardson mind controlled by Rafer Alston
Low end outcome: Iowa Wolves Allonzo Trier
Josh Primo
High end outcome: Maple Malik Beasley
Median outcome: Maple Marco Belinelli
Low end outcome: Maple Marquis Daniels
Isaiah Jackson
High end outcome: Old Taj Gibson piloting young Taj Gibson
Median outcome: Kenneth Faried with rim protection
Low end outcome: CAA Ronny Turiaf
JT Thor
High end outcome: Alaskan Josh Smith
Median outcome: Overly ambitious, worse shooting, taller Jeff Green
Low end outcome: Portland Noah Vonleh
Trey Murphy III
High end outcome: Slim Danny Granger
Median outcome: Dark skin Cam Johnson
Low end outcome: Less swaggy Tim Thomas
Usman Garuba
High end outcome: Draymond Green without the passing
Median outcome: Turbo Larry Nance Jr.
Low end outcome: Paella Pelle
BJ Boston
High end outcome: FIBA Fournier
Median outcome: Righty Rodney Hood, but a team player
Low end outcome: Malnourished Mario Hezonja
Chris Duarte
High end outcome: DR Danny Green
Median outcome: Bandera Bane
Low end outcome: Sancocho Shane Larkin
Nah’Shon “Bones” Hyland
High end outcome: Immanuel Quickley-Tyrese Maxey fusion dance
Median outcome: Delaware Tyler Herro
Low end outcome: Calorie deficit Ben McLemore
Vrenz Bleijenbergh
High end outcome: MLK Jersey Kevin Huerter
Median outcome: Deni Avdija with an even harder to pronounce last name
Low end outcome: Dragan Bender with a Twitter addiction
Ziaire Williams
High end outcome: The long lost (taller) Bogdanović bro
Median outcome: Inefficient Otto Porter Jr.
Low end outcome: American Bruno Caboclo
